Confessions

A couple of weeks ago, a guy emailed me in my Friendster account and asked me if I was Jap. I told him I’m not, but in fluent Japanese.

That conversation, which started as a one liner, is now an exchange of at least 10KB email.

I thank God for the guy’s guts to write me that quick note. If it wasn’t for that, I still would probably be in the mire I was in, besmirching the name I am supposed to keep holy.

All these times I have been keeping a part of me to myself. I say I love God and want his purposes over my life but when it comes to this part, I can hardly let go. Or if I ever have the courage to do so, I only sink back into the quicksand of that sinful lifestyle.

I never expected my dialogue with this online buddy of mine could go beyond flirtations and playful banter. After that email I sent telling him I wasn’t Jap, he replied a strange one.

He went on to tell me how he came across my profile, and after giving it much thought, logically deduced that I was bisexual. And it doesn’t end there. He even bluntly told me he found me likeable.

What happened next was rather surprising. This guy called all the way from Germany to ask his friend here in Manila (who is also my friend in Friendster) what my digits were. They talked and from that common friend, learned that I am a Christian.

Later in his emails, he asked me if I was indeed. I told him I am. And to my surprise, he confessed he is, too.

What surprised me more is the fact that he isn’t the first guy I know who is a Christian and yet has issues with homosexuality.

I have been dealing with it myself for as long as I can remember. I have been keeping it from people and have learned the art of masquerading it with intense piety.

I was thinking, if only I will be do my duties and obligations as a Christian, then I will not think these thoughts anymore. There was a time I almost lived in church. You can see me attend Friday revival meetings, both the Sunday services, youth meetings, city-wide prayer rallies. Everything.

And yet here I was.

When it troubled me more and more, I decided to tell someone in leadership about it. Of course, the condition was to keep it secret. Needless to say, it is embarrassing.

Yet also before long, the one I consider a leader was also the one who betrayed me by telling almost everyone about my struggle – which totally changed the way they treat me. I wasn’t engaged in the lifestyle then. But as I looked in their eyes I saw how much they loathed me.

I rebelled. I began to hate everything related to church and God thinking that if God really exists, then why do the very people who proclaim His Word and profess to be close to Him, could do such a betrayal. It was the most selfish and most arrogant act I saw a leader, and a pastor at that, do.

I soaked myself in a lifestyle I never thought existed. And yet amidst the hedonistic pursuits, I was empty. My life was miserable.

An unbeliever was actually better off compared to me. At least, they don’t know any better. If they be on their way to the flames, at least, they are enjoying the trip.

I, on the other hand, was lamentable. I was doing the very things I detest deep inside. Not only did I hate others, I despised myself.

And then a light struck the darkness. I met John. He heads a ministry in Manila called Bagong Pag-asa, a beacon of light to those who are hurting. Then I met more people who were honest enough to tell me their struggles and with a tinge of shame in their eyes, admit they were Christians as well.

Then one day, juggling a relationship with the same sex and my relationship with God, I just collapsed. Figuratively collapsed before Him and wept as I saw the holes in His feet.

Ah, the wonder of repentance. I felt like a child again!

A few days after, came the breakup. I admit to have cried a river of tears. But like I said, it was nothing. Nothing compared to the glory that will yet to be revealed.

I know that the battle will not be easy. But like Joshua, I strengthen myself and take courage knowing that the victory is mine through Christ.

Thanks to you Pao for reminding me of who I really am in Christ. You are instrumental to all these.

Thanks to you Tiks for your eccentricity. Your friendship is deeply appreciated and cherished. Let’s win for the Lamb the rewards of His sufferings!

Thanks to you John for caring enough though you barely knew me. To whom the Son sets free, is free indeed!

Thanks to you AJ for your incredible honesty. You have made me a better person in the process. I will be your friend forever!

Thanks to both of you Jam and Tin2. You gals are the best! Coming home to Bacolod is always a delight because of you both.

Thanks to you who have read this far. May Christ become more real to you because of this testimony.

And above all, thanks to you Jesus, my Redeemer who is always Faithful and True. Thank you for letting mercy triumph over judgement. Thank you for never giving up on a brat like me. To you be all the honor, power, glory and worship forever and ever!

Amen and amen!!

Read more...

Letting Go

Goodbye.

I am sorry the love we professed has to end this way. My heart aches that I have to let you go, but I know deep within, it will ache even more if I hold on.

I am torn between my love for you and the One who loves us more than our minds could even imagine.

How could I be so selfish to keep you for myself when riches untold are there before you?

How could I liken what I feel for you, to what He felt when He was hanging up there on the Cross?

How could my thoughts of you compare to His, when His tears were like drops of blood that night in Gethsemane thinking that He must endure the pain just to be with you?

How could my sweet nothings measure up to His nail-pierced hands and wounded side?

Ah, I am ashamed to even think there is such a comparison.


My only prayer now is that you will find it in your heart to understand why I have to let you go.

May your eyes be opened to the reality of the warfare over lives and over the destinies God has in store for us.

May your ears be quick to hear his still small Voice speaking to you, wooing you back into His arms.

May your heart be soft enough to be molded by the Potter himself, not for your harm, but for your eternal good.

May your feet be fast enough to run back to the Father, who readies Himself to forgive you while you rehearse your lines on what to say in repentance.


I must say I hurt now. I couldn’t describe the mixed emotions I feel, to be exact. But I am sure, if we desire to be healed we must go through these. The Divine Surgeon himself will perform the operation in our heart of hearts.

It may not make sense now but I have faith. Something tells me that a new dawn is coming and as we face what seems to be the darkest night of our souls, a new day is drawing nigh.

So today, I release you.

I release you to Life. To pursue you calling. To follow hard after God.

Listen to your heart’s cry for true intimacy! Pour out that weary heart of yours to God who willingly gives rest from all your reckless wanderings.

Drink from the Living Well that will quench your thirst for acceptance forever! Speak to Him who is eager to listen to your angst and deepest desires.

Feast your eyes on the beauty of His face and the charm of this world will fade! Turn your gaze no further from His eyes of blazing fire.


Amidst the tears I now shed, I smile. For as I think about it more and more, I realize, that in the light of eternity, “goodbye” is actually a “see you later.”

And thus in the mean time, I watch and pray.

And patiently wait for that day when our names will be called from the Lamb’s Book of Life and, for all eternity, know that this little sacrifice is nothing compared to the joys, Father has in store to those who will simply and humbly obey.

Read more...