Desires

And so, the struggle continues.

How do you deal with a friendship that's threatening to become more than just that without ruining it?

In the past, my instinct is simply to run away and hide. Literally. It actually worked for a while, but then the cycle continues and thus my life is marked by broken relationships which start off as something really promising and beautiful but end up abruptly, really bad or a combination of the two.

It seems like I can't keep a purely non-sexual relationship with another guy without getting scared that somehow along the way, I will either fall for him or worse, get betrayed. And so I am caught up in between two opposing extremes: shut myself off from the world and live life alone and extremely lonely or plunge myself into a world of anonymous trysts.

I was always told that the "biblical" way was to flee. And I have done just that. But I realized that fleeing is not really the answer. I have placed so much emphasis on the fleeing part when in fact, the main action is not the running away from something but the pursuit of something altogether.

In other words, I could do an excellent job secluding myself from the world but still burn with lustful desires in my heart. So I realized that stopping the friendship won't solve the issue; dealing with my heart is.

I am reminded by CS Lewis' words which I actually posted earlier: "If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Easier said than actually done. A bitter pill to swallow even. But then, it's the truth.