Sunday, September 17, 2006

Two Lusts

I think I can now say I swing both ways.

I used to think I am strictly into guys, until last night. Well, truth be told, until a few minutes ago, really.

There I was, standing in one corner of the bar while the rest of the crowd grooved to the beat and basked in the cool lights, simply doing my own thing – which is nothing. I was there not because I wanted to in the first place, but because I have to. It’s part of my job. So what can I say…

Then, a few feet away from where I was dying of boredom, was what seemed to be beauty personified. For the first time in my life, I felt attracted to a woman!

Of course, out of fear of being rejected, I didn’t do anything about it. Then something happened. When our eyes met, I felt like I was drained of energy. Her eyes, there was something in them. Then it happened again. And again.

Then the smile.

From a few feet away to just inches, she smiled to me and said hi. My heart leapt!

Then this audacious girl subtly talked to my officemate beside me, then before I knew it, she was asking where I’m from.

Either my face, yet again, is screaming “I’m Korean” because this country is slowly being invaded by Koreans, or I looked utterly lost in a crowd of booze drinkers. (I was holding a bottle of water in my left hand, by the way.)

I told her, I’m not really from this side of the island. Then we exchanged names. Then the flirting began.

Or was that flirting? I am not really sure because until that moment, the recipients of my flirtatious banter are from the same gender.

I think it was though, because although the place was filled with hunks, she seemed to be not moving anywhere. (And to think that I never hated my face more than that day because of breakouts!)

Now speaking of hunks, yes, there were plenty there. Most of them being overtly gay. But my attention is being divided by this girl and another guy just behind her.

He’s got all the qualities I like in a guy, and plus, he speaks English. That’s always a plus, since I can construct my thoughts more accurately that way. But then, this girl doesn’t want my attention divided. So she asked me if I dance.

“No, I don’t,” I told myself, while giving a nod, smiling and making something out of my two left feet.

I almost forgot about that guy hottie when the weirdest thing happened. I was dancing with this girl, when he excused himself and passed by between us – facing me, and rubbing his bulge into me.

What in the world was that for?

Then I realized, I made a commitment. To be holy. To be set apart.

And I understood, letting out a grin.

I left the bar with neither of their numbers. I could swear I heard voices telling me “I’m a fool for letting such opportunity go.”

But I should know better. Heterosexual lust is no better than homosexual desires. It’s still sin. Besides, my goal this time isn’t really heterosexuality.

It is to be like Christ.

6 comments:

Anonymous,  September 19, 2006 at 7:52 AM  

James, I am so proud of you! I never thought that you "swing" both ways. But nevertheless, your admission is way beyond courage. You rock!

Anonymous,  December 26, 2006 at 10:16 AM  

i stayed up later than what i originally planned, because i was surfing the net for help, for i am a Christian struggling, quite desperately, with my homosexuality. i came upon your blog, and i am glad to know someone else whom i think can understand my struggle.

first off i want to commend you for being courageous enough to be honest in your blog. i believe that you are an encouragement to a lot of people already. it is my prayer that you will find your way and make His will be done in your life.

btw, is there any way in which i can reach you, an email perhaps? i really need help, and i think talking to someone who can understand will really do a lot.

God bless you!

Liza's Eyeview June 26, 2007 at 1:41 AM  

But I should know better. Heterosexual lust is no better than homosexual desires. It’s still sin. Besides, my goal this time isn’t really heterosexuality.

It is to be like Christ.

++++

That's a goal we all must have. God for you James...

I realize this is an old post. I pray that you're doing well in this area and continuing to grow. If there are any temptations on the way - do what Joseph did - RUN AWAY, and RUN AWAY FAST!

I pray for continued courage to resist temptations, just as you did according to this post.

Jayred August 30, 2007 at 4:22 AM  

I truly appreciate this honest post.

Praise God for your courage to run away from temptation. It's not easy, but it's doable with God's grace.

May God continue to use you to share his Word with people who share the same struggle (and with others as well).

P.S. I have a Christian guy friend who has this struggle (we went to the same missions school in Makati). In the end, he couldn't resist the temptation and opted to continue living in with his long-time partner of the same gender.

Eric December 21, 2007 at 11:16 PM  

james..I just found my way here and indulged myself reading your blog...this entry seemed to be serious....
You need prayers....just try to avoid yourself staying in the unquestionable places which tempt you to be involved in gayness act...I will pray for you...involve yourself in Christian activities..occupied your minds with good things...
Throw things that stirr your mind to act lustfully or avoid to a second look to a certain view that ignites your gay senses..
More prayer more power..ika nga.Keep on reading Bible and make it your daily habit...
God Bless

Anonymous,  September 22, 2009 at 8:20 PM  

Oh my my my Goodness James! you know what? while i was reading this? i can not explain the mix emotions i had. I felt like I was in that bar too, watching you grinding with that girl while that yummy guy just flirted at you. hahaha! sorry for the words used! but well, i am so proud of you Bro. I still claim that vision i saw of you.

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