Sunday, September 14, 2008

Struggle

It was one of the weirdest places to learn a really valuable lesson.

I was watching the Love of Siam and got so into it that I was caught in by surprise with its ending. I have to admit, I have seen so-called "gay-themed" movies before but I never saw anything quite like this.

Brokeback Mountain was a good one with all the awesome scenery, artful content and well, Heath Ledger. But it failed to touch me like this one did.

I think it's partly because I am going through a tough time now. You know, spending all these times with my new set of foreigner friends, it's hard not to fall for one of them - especially when he sends you SMS everyday and calls you after work just to know how your day went.

It's been a long time since I had someone actually do that to me, you know. And somehow, there's this part of me that wants to relish on it a bit - that feeling of being wanted and loved.

It's amazing how we got to know each others' lives amidst broken English and a whole lot of actions that there was hardly a day since we first met that I went home before 11pm. You see, when someone can barely speak English and he chooses to use words you don't normally use and hear, it's powerfully refreshing when you do.

But as usual, I had to face the truth. The truth that we can't be any more than friends even if it's not only me who wants something even more. The truth that though this feeling seem to be all that really matters as of now, it's not really.

In this time when at almost every turn I see same-sex couples cuddling to the secret disdain of a society that has never fully understood what it means to go through so much pain, confusion and loneliness in trying to figure out their true identity, I submit my desires to the One Person who has gone through so much Himself for His love for me.

So now when I feel so alone, so unloved, so unlovely even, I rest on the plain fact that Abba really loves me for me - with nothing else to offer but a heart that has gone tired of aimless wanderings.

And as for that special friend, just because he can't be a boyfriend, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. I know he does. And that is more than enough.

5 comments:

Jen September 14, 2008 at 7:40 AM  

hang on brother. I will pray for you. we all have our own little and big thorns in the flesh. Blessings!

Ganns September 14, 2008 at 2:38 PM  

Wow, this is such an honest post, James. Thank you for your openness; the body of Christ will be made richer for the sincerity of its people.

I carry you in prayer too, kapatid.

Tom September 15, 2008 at 6:45 AM  

hey bro,

your honesty is amazing,
your at His feet knowing you can't overcome anything, any struggle, any life challenge without Him. Thats the place to be man. God bless you, praying for you too!

Liza's Eyeview September 17, 2008 at 9:11 AM  

Thank you for your openness, and your resolve to cling to Jesus in this time of struggle. We're here to support you and pray with you.

Anonymous,  September 23, 2008 at 8:31 PM  

i symphatize with you. big time. i undergo the same thing. it's so hard. that sometimes i even feel that Christ is not enough for me. that's how bad things can get for me. but God knows better, and i thank Him for getting me through the recent tough times that i am encountering.

btw, is it ok for me to can contact you in private, in email perhaps?

many thanks. i will be praying for you as well...

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