Struggle

It was one of the weirdest places to learn a really valuable lesson.

I was watching the Love of Siam and got so into it that I was caught in by surprise with its ending. I have to admit, I have seen so-called "gay-themed" movies before but I never saw anything quite like this.

Brokeback Mountain was a good one with all the awesome scenery, artful content and well, Heath Ledger. But it failed to touch me like this one did.

I think it's partly because I am going through a tough time now. You know, spending all these times with my new set of foreigner friends, it's hard not to fall for one of them - especially when he sends you SMS everyday and calls you after work just to know how your day went.

It's been a long time since I had someone actually do that to me, you know. And somehow, there's this part of me that wants to relish on it a bit - that feeling of being wanted and loved.

It's amazing how we got to know each others' lives amidst broken English and a whole lot of actions that there was hardly a day since we first met that I went home before 11pm. You see, when someone can barely speak English and he chooses to use words you don't normally use and hear, it's powerfully refreshing when you do.

But as usual, I had to face the truth. The truth that we can't be any more than friends even if it's not only me who wants something even more. The truth that though this feeling seem to be all that really matters as of now, it's not really.

In this time when at almost every turn I see same-sex couples cuddling to the secret disdain of a society that has never fully understood what it means to go through so much pain, confusion and loneliness in trying to figure out their true identity, I submit my desires to the One Person who has gone through so much Himself for His love for me.

So now when I feel so alone, so unloved, so unlovely even, I rest on the plain fact that Abba really loves me for me - with nothing else to offer but a heart that has gone tired of aimless wanderings.

And as for that special friend, just because he can't be a boyfriend, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. I know he does. And that is more than enough.

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Two Lusts

I think I can now say I swing both ways.

I used to think I am strictly into guys, until last night. Well, truth be told, until a few minutes ago, really.

There I was, standing in one corner of the bar while the rest of the crowd grooved to the beat and basked in the cool lights, simply doing my own thing – which is nothing. I was there not because I wanted to in the first place, but because I have to. It’s part of my job. So what can I say…

Then, a few feet away from where I was dying of boredom, was what seemed to be beauty personified. For the first time in my life, I felt attracted to a woman!

Of course, out of fear of being rejected, I didn’t do anything about it. Then something happened. When our eyes met, I felt like I was drained of energy. Her eyes, there was something in them. Then it happened again. And again.

Then the smile.

From a few feet away to just inches, she smiled to me and said hi. My heart leapt!

Then this audacious girl subtly talked to my officemate beside me, then before I knew it, she was asking where I’m from.

Either my face, yet again, is screaming “I’m Korean” because this country is slowly being invaded by Koreans, or I looked utterly lost in a crowd of booze drinkers. (I was holding a bottle of water in my left hand, by the way.)

I told her, I’m not really from this side of the island. Then we exchanged names. Then the flirting began.

Or was that flirting? I am not really sure because until that moment, the recipients of my flirtatious banter are from the same gender.

I think it was though, because although the place was filled with hunks, she seemed to be not moving anywhere. (And to think that I never hated my face more than that day because of breakouts!)

Now speaking of hunks, yes, there were plenty there. Most of them being overtly gay. But my attention is being divided by this girl and another guy just behind her.

He’s got all the qualities I like in a guy, and plus, he speaks English. That’s always a plus, since I can construct my thoughts more accurately that way. But then, this girl doesn’t want my attention divided. So she asked me if I dance.

“No, I don’t,” I told myself, while giving a nod, smiling and making something out of my two left feet.

I almost forgot about that guy hottie when the weirdest thing happened. I was dancing with this girl, when he excused himself and passed by between us – facing me, and rubbing his bulge into me.

What in the world was that for?

Then I realized, I made a commitment. To be holy. To be set apart.

And I understood, letting out a grin.

I left the bar with neither of their numbers. I could swear I heard voices telling me “I’m a fool for letting such opportunity go.”

But I should know better. Heterosexual lust is no better than homosexual desires. It’s still sin. Besides, my goal this time isn’t really heterosexuality.

It is to be like Christ.

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