Breakthrough

My problem is not that I have become evil beyond measure. My problem is that my heart is not whole. My desires are an odd mix of conflicting secret yearnings.

No wonder my efforts are futile, my prayers fruitless, my heart lukewarm.

I realized that while I was praying for God to use me mightily in His kingdom, I secretly wish the devil will come up with some extraordinary offer so tempting and so worth giving up this whole fuss on living a holy life.

And more often than never, that old deceiver really has something in his sleeves. So I’ll find myself heading towards the mud once again to take advantage of an offer I can’t refuse.

Now there goes my huge dilemma.

I need my heart to be whole. I need a heart whose desires are reduced into one, whose audience is only One.

I need an all out surrender to His Will with no backup plans in mind.

Hence, it’s gotta be all or nothing. Anything less, won’t surely cut it through.

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Two Lusts

I think I can now say I swing both ways.

I used to think I am strictly into guys, until last night. Well, truth be told, until a few minutes ago, really.

There I was, standing in one corner of the bar while the rest of the crowd grooved to the beat and basked in the cool lights, simply doing my own thing – which is nothing. I was there not because I wanted to in the first place, but because I have to. It’s part of my job. So what can I say…

Then, a few feet away from where I was dying of boredom, was what seemed to be beauty personified. For the first time in my life, I felt attracted to a woman!

Of course, out of fear of being rejected, I didn’t do anything about it. Then something happened. When our eyes met, I felt like I was drained of energy. Her eyes, there was something in them. Then it happened again. And again.

Then the smile.

From a few feet away to just inches, she smiled to me and said hi. My heart leapt!

Then this audacious girl subtly talked to my officemate beside me, then before I knew it, she was asking where I’m from.

Either my face, yet again, is screaming “I’m Korean” because this country is slowly being invaded by Koreans, or I looked utterly lost in a crowd of booze drinkers. (I was holding a bottle of water in my left hand, by the way.)

I told her, I’m not really from this side of the island. Then we exchanged names. Then the flirting began.

Or was that flirting? I am not really sure because until that moment, the recipients of my flirtatious banter are from the same gender.

I think it was though, because although the place was filled with hunks, she seemed to be not moving anywhere. (And to think that I never hated my face more than that day because of breakouts!)

Now speaking of hunks, yes, there were plenty there. Most of them being overtly gay. But my attention is being divided by this girl and another guy just behind her.

He’s got all the qualities I like in a guy, and plus, he speaks English. That’s always a plus, since I can construct my thoughts more accurately that way. But then, this girl doesn’t want my attention divided. So she asked me if I dance.

“No, I don’t,” I told myself, while giving a nod, smiling and making something out of my two left feet.

I almost forgot about that guy hottie when the weirdest thing happened. I was dancing with this girl, when he excused himself and passed by between us – facing me, and rubbing his bulge into me.

What in the world was that for?

Then I realized, I made a commitment. To be holy. To be set apart.

And I understood, letting out a grin.

I left the bar with neither of their numbers. I could swear I heard voices telling me “I’m a fool for letting such opportunity go.”

But I should know better. Heterosexual lust is no better than homosexual desires. It’s still sin. Besides, my goal this time isn’t really heterosexuality.

It is to be like Christ.

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