Desires

And so, the struggle continues.

How do you deal with a friendship that's threatening to become more than just that without ruining it?

In the past, my instinct is simply to run away and hide. Literally. It actually worked for a while, but then the cycle continues and thus my life is marked by broken relationships which start off as something really promising and beautiful but end up abruptly, really bad or a combination of the two.

It seems like I can't keep a purely non-sexual relationship with another guy without getting scared that somehow along the way, I will either fall for him or worse, get betrayed. And so I am caught up in between two opposing extremes: shut myself off from the world and live life alone and extremely lonely or plunge myself into a world of anonymous trysts.

I was always told that the "biblical" way was to flee. And I have done just that. But I realized that fleeing is not really the answer. I have placed so much emphasis on the fleeing part when in fact, the main action is not the running away from something but the pursuit of something altogether.

In other words, I could do an excellent job secluding myself from the world but still burn with lustful desires in my heart. So I realized that stopping the friendship won't solve the issue; dealing with my heart is.

I am reminded by CS Lewis' words which I actually posted earlier: "If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Easier said than actually done. A bitter pill to swallow even. But then, it's the truth.

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Struggle

It was one of the weirdest places to learn a really valuable lesson.

I was watching the Love of Siam and got so into it that I was caught in by surprise with its ending. I have to admit, I have seen so-called "gay-themed" movies before but I never saw anything quite like this.

Brokeback Mountain was a good one with all the awesome scenery, artful content and well, Heath Ledger. But it failed to touch me like this one did.

I think it's partly because I am going through a tough time now. You know, spending all these times with my new set of foreigner friends, it's hard not to fall for one of them - especially when he sends you SMS everyday and calls you after work just to know how your day went.

It's been a long time since I had someone actually do that to me, you know. And somehow, there's this part of me that wants to relish on it a bit - that feeling of being wanted and loved.

It's amazing how we got to know each others' lives amidst broken English and a whole lot of actions that there was hardly a day since we first met that I went home before 11pm. You see, when someone can barely speak English and he chooses to use words you don't normally use and hear, it's powerfully refreshing when you do.

But as usual, I had to face the truth. The truth that we can't be any more than friends even if it's not only me who wants something even more. The truth that though this feeling seem to be all that really matters as of now, it's not really.

In this time when at almost every turn I see same-sex couples cuddling to the secret disdain of a society that has never fully understood what it means to go through so much pain, confusion and loneliness in trying to figure out their true identity, I submit my desires to the One Person who has gone through so much Himself for His love for me.

So now when I feel so alone, so unloved, so unlovely even, I rest on the plain fact that Abba really loves me for me - with nothing else to offer but a heart that has gone tired of aimless wanderings.

And as for that special friend, just because he can't be a boyfriend, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. I know he does. And that is more than enough.

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