Two Lusts

I think I can now say I swing both ways.

I used to think I am strictly into guys, until last night. Well, truth be told, until a few minutes ago, really.

There I was, standing in one corner of the bar while the rest of the crowd grooved to the beat and basked in the cool lights, simply doing my own thing – which is nothing. I was there not because I wanted to in the first place, but because I have to. It’s part of my job. So what can I say…

Then, a few feet away from where I was dying of boredom, was what seemed to be beauty personified. For the first time in my life, I felt attracted to a woman!

Of course, out of fear of being rejected, I didn’t do anything about it. Then something happened. When our eyes met, I felt like I was drained of energy. Her eyes, there was something in them. Then it happened again. And again.

Then the smile.

From a few feet away to just inches, she smiled to me and said hi. My heart leapt!

Then this audacious girl subtly talked to my officemate beside me, then before I knew it, she was asking where I’m from.

Either my face, yet again, is screaming “I’m Korean” because this country is slowly being invaded by Koreans, or I looked utterly lost in a crowd of booze drinkers. (I was holding a bottle of water in my left hand, by the way.)

I told her, I’m not really from this side of the island. Then we exchanged names. Then the flirting began.

Or was that flirting? I am not really sure because until that moment, the recipients of my flirtatious banter are from the same gender.

I think it was though, because although the place was filled with hunks, she seemed to be not moving anywhere. (And to think that I never hated my face more than that day because of breakouts!)

Now speaking of hunks, yes, there were plenty there. Most of them being overtly gay. But my attention is being divided by this girl and another guy just behind her.

He’s got all the qualities I like in a guy, and plus, he speaks English. That’s always a plus, since I can construct my thoughts more accurately that way. But then, this girl doesn’t want my attention divided. So she asked me if I dance.

“No, I don’t,” I told myself, while giving a nod, smiling and making something out of my two left feet.

I almost forgot about that guy hottie when the weirdest thing happened. I was dancing with this girl, when he excused himself and passed by between us – facing me, and rubbing his bulge into me.

What in the world was that for?

Then I realized, I made a commitment. To be holy. To be set apart.

And I understood, letting out a grin.

I left the bar with neither of their numbers. I could swear I heard voices telling me “I’m a fool for letting such opportunity go.”

But I should know better. Heterosexual lust is no better than homosexual desires. It’s still sin. Besides, my goal this time isn’t really heterosexuality.

It is to be like Christ.

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The Problem of Porn

Why do we just love porn? Or more accurately, why do I love porn? Why is it so appealing to me that my knees get weak at the sight of an obscene mag? What’s up with these images of bare skin anyways?

Pardon me for starting this entry with such a blunt question. This problem has bugged me for several years now after my cousin and I discovered a stash of such under his dad’s bed. Why has it bugged me? Because ever since, I have been addicted to it.

Like all addictions, it started with dabbling here and there a little. Soon after, I am looking for it in all places and in all sorts of media. Then it doesn’t end there. Of course anyone who is bound to pornography is also bound by masturbation. Over time, masturbation won’t simply be enough – you gotta do the real thing.

Then things go from worse to worst.

I must say I can attest to that by experience. I’ve been through stuff that will make my high school teachers either blush or turn pale white. I’m not going to elaborate on those, not because I’m scared what might happen if they knew, but because it won’t serve any purpose.

Once, I’ve heard one of my friends, say that guys think about sex every 5 seconds. If it is true, then what a dilemma it would be for every Christian male living in the 21st century!

Imagine what we are being bombarded with day in and day out. The spirit of Jezebel has influenced all sorts of media from the movies we watch, the billboards we see, the music we listen to. We are living in a world that encourages the very fantasies we have in secret. Then there’s the Internet.

For me, that became the door into a lifestyle of promiscuity.

There I was -wide-eyed and all, just graduated from a Christian school and barely into college – having full access to all sorts of information. Then all of a sudden, like Asaph, I began to question God and myself if I have kept myself pure in vain.

The world appeared more than happy in fulfilling, even exceeding its own lustful desires. Ignoring the Holy Spirit’s gentle warnings and Asaph’s own conclusions, I went my own way and strayed.

Needless to say, I was wrong. And through that course I learned one funny lesson. Experience isn’t the best teacher; the Holy Spirit is.

Why go through all the pain, the guilt and the trouble for the sake of being “wiser” when the Spirit of God is there to lead us into all truth?

My problem is I don’t really – in all honesty – trust God. So I have to go through the lab and verify His Words on my own, only to find out that it’s not really a fun thing to do – especially if the frog you are supposed to dissect is yourself.

Before, I used to think I would never get tired of fornicating. There’s always “a new terrain to discover, a new mountain to climb.” But heck, barely two months in Manila I got tired of the act, I refuse even when offered right in front of me.

While the rest of the world continues to copulate like dogs, there I was wondering what I missed. If the water from this well of lust is what I really need to be satisfied, then why am I far from being quenched of the thirst?

So it’s that simple. I drank from the wrong well. But why then, does it feel so right?

Let’s just say “because it almost is.”

The problem with pornography and the addiction for the nude is that people aren’t really getting naked enough. While God calls us to strip to the soul and spirit, we stop in our bodies and marvel at what we see. All the while we thought the intimacy we so earnestly long for is can be attained in a magazine or a one night stand. And for this, we are gravely mistaken.

One thing I observed from the trysts I had was that I’m not scared to tell the person almost everything without really disclosing enough information about myself like where I live, work and stuff like that. I think I got addicted to that as well. In my desire to live a life that is free from pretensions, I ended up bound all the more.

It’s crazy because we could always do the very same thing with God: talk to Him in all honesty with the full assurance that He won’t freak out.

I scratch my head what went wrong along the way that while all that we really need is found in Him, we turn to ourselves in search for answers, and find nothing but more questions and of course, confusion.

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Mystery for Me

Since all of creation came into existence by God’s words, then everything we see around us must speak of who He is.

Everything from the stars to the hairs in our head to the tiny particle of sand in the shores of the seas, speak of His greatness and creativity. But it makes me wonder why most people who consider themselves experts in various fields of science aren’t really affected the way they really should.

I mean, exploring the outer space, studying more of the human anatomy, or diving into the ocean’s deep is, for the most part, like reading the Bible. I believe that explains those tears in your eyes the first time you saw the sunset in all its glory. Or the urge to kneel down at the foot of the Grand Canyon.

With reading the Bible, you – well – read the book. Then as the Holy Spirit leads you into all truth, you understand what you read and something in you comes alive. So alive.

That’s no different with witnessing nature’s best first hand.

I wonder how many words are spoken in a typical 40 minute preaching. I bet all those words couldn’t even compare to the “thousands of words” spoken by simply standing even near the Niagara Falls.

It gives me goosebumps, of the good kind, like the ones I get listening to the Katinas sing. Or Jason Upton preaches-sings-preaches.

So it boggles my mind how an astronomer who understands the immensity of the universe more than I do, could simply dismiss God out of the picture and credit everything to Big Bang.

The more they know, the lesser they’re awed. How could it be?

It’s one big mystery for me.

It’s one of those questions I have that though, I’d appreciate if I get an answer, I’d rather spread an awareness amongst like minded people and somehow have a burden to pray for key people in these fields of sciences, while at the same time, keeping our hearts in check that it be always soft, and that may we never cease to be amazed.

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Exhausted

I am tired. So tired.
Emotionally, physically, spiritually.

I am tired of the chase.
Trying to make my own niche
In a world extremely obsessed
With power, money and debauchery.

I am tired of trying
To prove that I’ve got something to prove
That I captain my own soul
And master my own fate.

I am tired of falling
Over and over again
After the same lust for more
That empties than satisfies.

I am tired of being deceived
By lies I made myself to believe
That confounds more than clarifies,
And can’t live without other lies.

I am tired of living for pleasure
As if it’s the only reason why
I live, exist and breathe
When I know full well there’s more.

I am tired of seeking for a drink
From wells that increases thirst
Than satiate the longing for love
And being loved in return.

I am tired of the loneliness
That haunts me when I’m alone
That steals from my hours of sleep
And slowly, from my sanity.

I need a breakthrough
And yes, Tom is right
Coz for it to come,
Something must break.

So God, I give you permission
Break whatever that is left unbroken
But please, take these pieces of what’s left
Of what was once I considered my heart.

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Fearing my Light

I've read this from Waking the Dead, by John Eldredge. I'm gonna share it to you hoping that it will make u think.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us… And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~Nelson Mandela

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You

I was doing well till you came. Although I never see myself joining the game most people play here, I was in fact on the verge of enjoying it.

But alas, you came.

Yes, you. The uptight serious you.

You who walk with an appealing swagger – so certain of every step you make. You with the mysteriously alluring frown – whose smile being equally fascinating.

You who subtly mock me when I speak without hurting me but actually open me up even more. You who unapologetically converse about your life with bluntness that is never rude.

You whose eyes are more eloquent than your speech. With a gaze that could melt and a touch that dispels fear. You, with hugs and kisses, that are seriously better than its chocolatey counterparts.

You who can call me on the phone but is killing me by not texting at all.

Yes, it’s you, alright.

And just in case you doubt the validity of what I wrote and charge them as folly, think again.

Coz it’s you who made me mushy, after vowing over heaven and earth that I will never ever be a hopeless romantic again.

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Einstein

The message to me couldn’t be any clearer: “God doesn’t play dice with the universe.”

I know I haven’t updated my blog that much recently. I can’t say I was busy, because I know I can find the time to write if I wanted to. I think I was just plain disinterested with anything spiritual so to speak. Much less, analyze it and come up with some journal.

But I am back, I don’t know for how long, but for now, I am.

It was months when I left my job in Cebu in hopes of landing on a high paying one outside the country. It’s embarrassing to admit this, but I was jobless for more than half a year (as I couldn’t consider teaching English to Koreans part time, a serious job.)

Well yeah, at least for a time, my most basic needs were met. But when an opportunity opened for me to be a part of a huge company, I was torn between being comfy with the 60 pesos per hour joke I had, or a real career.

I’m glad I chose to take the risk. I was idle again for more than a month when I chose to get the exams for this corporation. So the in betweens was really a tough time. Believe me, 60 pesos per hour seemed really huge compared to having nothing at all. Do I make sense?

But yeah, God has other plans. I look on this plane, He looks at it in another perspective. And one thing I have learned during this phase of my life is that nothing is ever an accident. All the delays or what seemed to be denials, happened for a reason. It sure felt like nonsense when I was still in that interim, but looking back to it now, I’m glad I can say I smile.

I am a control freak. As much as possible, I want to know what I will be doing a week in advance. Heck, even a month in advance would do. But through the series of uncertainties I went through, I believe I can’t be in control. Things happen beyond my expectations, because it’s not up to me. It’s up to Him.

I was thinking, if God can put Joseph from being a prisoner to a prince in a snap, what is stopping him from doing the same to me? Well, probably the same issues Joseph had to face while in growing up. The delicate issues of the heart. The real deal on pride, sacrifice, true humility and who gets all the glory.

Once those things are settled, then I believe breakthrough will come.

Ah, the wonder of God’s ways. It gives me goosebumps thinking about it. He really has a plan.

God doesn’t play dice with the universe.

Yeah, the statement above was credited to no less than Einstein himself, but it doesn’t really take a genius to figure that out.

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