Take All of Me

Take All of Me
by Marty Sampson

You broke the night like the sun
And healed my heart with Your great love
Any trouble I couldn't bear
You lifted me upon Your shoulders

Love that's stronger
Love that covers sin
And takes the weight of the world

I love You
All of my hope is in You
Jesus Christ take my life
Take all of me

You stand on mountain tops with me
With You I walk through the valleys
You gave Your only Son for me
Your grace is all I rely on

I love You so, and I give up my heart to say
I need You so, my everything

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Lord, help me sing this song. Help me sing this song from depths of my heart and not only from my mind. Help me make this song more of a prayer than a mere utterance.

I want to sing this to You. But all I can I ever do is hum it.

I don’t have the audacity to say the lyrics. I’d rather weep.

I weep for my inability to keep my promises. I weep for my own unfaithfulness. I weep because one moment I praise you with my lips, then on the other I curse with my mouth.

“Take all of me” is such a strong phrase, Lord.

How can I say “All of my hope is in you” when at the back of my mind I have other plans when Yours won’t work?

I want to sing this song badly. It gives me goosebumps upon only hearing the intro.
But its words are all too strong for me.

I can sing, yes. But can I really?

So now, all I ask is for You to bring me to a place of surrender.

Then there, armed with nothing but tears, fall at Your feet and truly worship.

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Confessions

A couple of weeks ago, a guy emailed me in my Friendster account and asked me if I was Jap. I told him I’m not, but in fluent Japanese.

That conversation, which started as a one liner, is now an exchange of at least 10KB email.

I thank God for the guy’s guts to write me that quick note. If it wasn’t for that, I still would probably be in the mire I was in, besmirching the name I am supposed to keep holy.

All these times I have been keeping a part of me to myself. I say I love God and want his purposes over my life but when it comes to this part, I can hardly let go. Or if I ever have the courage to do so, I only sink back into the quicksand of that sinful lifestyle.

I never expected my dialogue with this online buddy of mine could go beyond flirtations and playful banter. After that email I sent telling him I wasn’t Jap, he replied a strange one.

He went on to tell me how he came across my profile, and after giving it much thought, logically deduced that I was bisexual. And it doesn’t end there. He even bluntly told me he found me likeable.

What happened next was rather surprising. This guy called all the way from Germany to ask his friend here in Manila (who is also my friend in Friendster) what my digits were. They talked and from that common friend, learned that I am a Christian.

Later in his emails, he asked me if I was indeed. I told him I am. And to my surprise, he confessed he is, too.

What surprised me more is the fact that he isn’t the first guy I know who is a Christian and yet has issues with homosexuality.

I have been dealing with it myself for as long as I can remember. I have been keeping it from people and have learned the art of masquerading it with intense piety.

I was thinking, if only I will be do my duties and obligations as a Christian, then I will not think these thoughts anymore. There was a time I almost lived in church. You can see me attend Friday revival meetings, both the Sunday services, youth meetings, city-wide prayer rallies. Everything.

And yet here I was.

When it troubled me more and more, I decided to tell someone in leadership about it. Of course, the condition was to keep it secret. Needless to say, it is embarrassing.

Yet also before long, the one I consider a leader was also the one who betrayed me by telling almost everyone about my struggle – which totally changed the way they treat me. I wasn’t engaged in the lifestyle then. But as I looked in their eyes I saw how much they loathed me.

I rebelled. I began to hate everything related to church and God thinking that if God really exists, then why do the very people who proclaim His Word and profess to be close to Him, could do such a betrayal. It was the most selfish and most arrogant act I saw a leader, and a pastor at that, do.

I soaked myself in a lifestyle I never thought existed. And yet amidst the hedonistic pursuits, I was empty. My life was miserable.

An unbeliever was actually better off compared to me. At least, they don’t know any better. If they be on their way to the flames, at least, they are enjoying the trip.

I, on the other hand, was lamentable. I was doing the very things I detest deep inside. Not only did I hate others, I despised myself.

And then a light struck the darkness. I met John. He heads a ministry in Manila called Bagong Pag-asa, a beacon of light to those who are hurting. Then I met more people who were honest enough to tell me their struggles and with a tinge of shame in their eyes, admit they were Christians as well.

Then one day, juggling a relationship with the same sex and my relationship with God, I just collapsed. Figuratively collapsed before Him and wept as I saw the holes in His feet.

Ah, the wonder of repentance. I felt like a child again!

A few days after, came the breakup. I admit to have cried a river of tears. But like I said, it was nothing. Nothing compared to the glory that will yet to be revealed.

I know that the battle will not be easy. But like Joshua, I strengthen myself and take courage knowing that the victory is mine through Christ.

Thanks to you Pao for reminding me of who I really am in Christ. You are instrumental to all these.

Thanks to you Tiks for your eccentricity. Your friendship is deeply appreciated and cherished. Let’s win for the Lamb the rewards of His sufferings!

Thanks to you John for caring enough though you barely knew me. To whom the Son sets free, is free indeed!

Thanks to you AJ for your incredible honesty. You have made me a better person in the process. I will be your friend forever!

Thanks to both of you Jam and Tin2. You gals are the best! Coming home to Bacolod is always a delight because of you both.

Thanks to you who have read this far. May Christ become more real to you because of this testimony.

And above all, thanks to you Jesus, my Redeemer who is always Faithful and True. Thank you for letting mercy triumph over judgement. Thank you for never giving up on a brat like me. To you be all the honor, power, glory and worship forever and ever!

Amen and amen!!

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Letting Go

Goodbye.

I am sorry the love we professed has to end this way. My heart aches that I have to let you go, but I know deep within, it will ache even more if I hold on.

I am torn between my love for you and the One who loves us more than our minds could even imagine.

How could I be so selfish to keep you for myself when riches untold are there before you?

How could I liken what I feel for you, to what He felt when He was hanging up there on the Cross?

How could my thoughts of you compare to His, when His tears were like drops of blood that night in Gethsemane thinking that He must endure the pain just to be with you?

How could my sweet nothings measure up to His nail-pierced hands and wounded side?

Ah, I am ashamed to even think there is such a comparison.


My only prayer now is that you will find it in your heart to understand why I have to let you go.

May your eyes be opened to the reality of the warfare over lives and over the destinies God has in store for us.

May your ears be quick to hear his still small Voice speaking to you, wooing you back into His arms.

May your heart be soft enough to be molded by the Potter himself, not for your harm, but for your eternal good.

May your feet be fast enough to run back to the Father, who readies Himself to forgive you while you rehearse your lines on what to say in repentance.


I must say I hurt now. I couldn’t describe the mixed emotions I feel, to be exact. But I am sure, if we desire to be healed we must go through these. The Divine Surgeon himself will perform the operation in our heart of hearts.

It may not make sense now but I have faith. Something tells me that a new dawn is coming and as we face what seems to be the darkest night of our souls, a new day is drawing nigh.

So today, I release you.

I release you to Life. To pursue you calling. To follow hard after God.

Listen to your heart’s cry for true intimacy! Pour out that weary heart of yours to God who willingly gives rest from all your reckless wanderings.

Drink from the Living Well that will quench your thirst for acceptance forever! Speak to Him who is eager to listen to your angst and deepest desires.

Feast your eyes on the beauty of His face and the charm of this world will fade! Turn your gaze no further from His eyes of blazing fire.


Amidst the tears I now shed, I smile. For as I think about it more and more, I realize, that in the light of eternity, “goodbye” is actually a “see you later.”

And thus in the mean time, I watch and pray.

And patiently wait for that day when our names will be called from the Lamb’s Book of Life and, for all eternity, know that this little sacrifice is nothing compared to the joys, Father has in store to those who will simply and humbly obey.

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The Question

What do I really want to do with my life?

This question has haunted me ever since I graduated in college. Or maybe even earlier than that but it was only then that the inner voice couldn’t be drowned out by the noise around me any longer.

What a fitting time for me to think about it again, now that I have nothing to do but wait.

To some, it may be a bit silly... Asking such a question when I should know the answer already.

If only our purpose in this world was given to us with our birth certificates, then life would definitely be easier. But things don’t usually work that way, don’t they? We have to journey through life with all its pains and pleasures and hope to somehow find some answers.

Being a Christian, I always thought my life would be easier. I don’t know why, but that is what most of the people usually attach Christianity into.

A life of peace and free from trouble. No more suffering. No more tears.

On the contrary, as I walk further into the narrow road, I realize that the opposite is true. I still get colds and flu like the rest. I have to face the same bills at the end of the month. Trials abound. And this time, it even seems a notch harder.

And then the haunting question. What do I really want to do with my life?

Now that I am supposed to have “eternal life”, then what do I really want to do with it? Could it be any more complicated than this?

While the rest of the world ponders on what to do with their threescore and ten existence, I wonder about what to do exactly with eternity.

Most of us tend to think that we will spend our eternity having a religious experience in the sky. Not bad, but I don’t think I would want to do that forever.

This is embarrassing, but frankly, that is far too boring. And thank God, that is not what we will all be going to do.

When our pastors say that we will be worshipping God forever in heaven, surely they don’t mean a long list of songs from hymns to uhm, hillsongs, will be sung. The worship that comes into my mind is the Romans 12:1 kind – the offering of our bodies as living sacrifices being holy and pleasing to God. The worship that goes beyond a song, a beat or a tune. The worship that flows from a life truly surrendered to His Majesty. A life lived in its fullness –as Christ promised.

I read something interesting in the last chapter of Zechariah, when the prophet prophesied of the Day of the Lord. I believe it says something that the walls we have built to separate the secular from the sacred will be no more, for even ordinary things as cooking pots and bells of horses will be holy to the Lord.

Meaning, washing the dishes is no less holy than being on your knees praying. Dancing and singing your heart out in a Sunday service wont be holier than doing the routines in your Monday-to-Friday jobs either.

Going back to the question that started this blog, I know –and it’s funny admitting it- that I haven’t found the answer to that question yet.

I don’t know what to do with my life. I must say.

But my Redeemer is faithful and true. He and his words are one, and I’m sure he will never leave me nor forsake me when He says so.

That for me, is enough to get me through this day.

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Personal Woes

“The more a man has in his heart the less he will require from the outside; excessive need for support from without is proof of the bankruptcy of the inner man.”

I came across this quote while simply scanning a collection of Tozer writings. It doesn’t really mean much at first read but once you think about it more, your eyes will see a clear picture. It won’t be long for you to realize that it is indeed true. Sad, but true.

I am guilty of this bankruptcy. With all the time I have for some serious thinking, I really can conclude that there nothing much in my heart thus, I require more from the outside.

My addiction to every form of entertainment from text messaging to the Internet, to TV and the movies reveals there is something wrong with me.

Almost all the time, I grab my phone to text someone not some really important message, but for some dilly dallying- to temporarily cure myself of boredom. I find myself going to the movies to forget, for a moment, the pressing problems of today. Even more often, I drag my feet to the video shop to rent any movie that will give me a boost of energy for life.

For this, I realize that the disease has spread even to the seemingly innocent areas of my life.

Areas like book reading. Once before, I grab a book to learn, and most of all, change. Now, I see it in terms of how much it will entertain me in some strange way. To how goosebumps it will afford me. To how many tears it will bring about.

Going to church is another. One of the reasons why I just don’t like going to my parents’ church is the fact that I always fall asleep while seated.

I need a church that could catch my attention, I tell myself. I need a preacher that could keep me awake all throughout the sermon. I need songs that I can relate to and oddly enough, something that could get into my nerves.

Church for me has become just one form of entertainment. The sermon being another pill to excite me barely 24 hours.

I wonder what it says about the current trends amongst Christian circles flocking towards stadiums and theatres. In my city, more and more people abandon their pews for a comfy seat, an air-conditioned room and high tech multimedia. No need to bring your Bibles to church, it will all be in the video presentation. No need to develop relationships with people, you can leave quickly as you came.

Pardon me. I have nothing against hundreds and thousands of people coming to Christ. I have nothing against technology. I am not against these churches even.

I can even say that I, for the most part, am a product of these types of churches. It just so happens that up to a certain point, I realize, there must be more than these.

I realize I am barren inside if all I wanted is the fun and the emotions. I realize that the more I rely on the external, the emptier I become inside.

The cute little preachings from today’s pulpits won’t cut it through when one is face to face with adversity. One has to know God for who He is and receive revelation directly from Him for even the strongest of saints to survive.

Sometimes, I can’t help but let out a sigh as I think of the modern church’s predicament amidst a world hostile to her existence. I sigh more when I think of my own.


Woe to me for I am a man of unclean lips, and I live amongst people of unclean lips!

Woe to me not only for the darkness I have tolerated in me but for how much light I have rejected!

Woe to me for my idolatry, hypocrisy and rebellion!

Ah, that you would purge my mouth and my heart with coals of fire from your altar, Lord!

Purify me, O Refiner’s fire and let a pure passion for the Son and His Kingdom rise up and ablaze within me.

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