The Person

My mistake is not that I have become a heretic or an atheist. My troubles abound not for lack of knowledge even as there are plenty.

My problem is that I separate the things I seek from the Person of the Giver.

I was always told not to seek the gifts but to pursue the Giver. Something that sounds true and even cool to mouthe in the circles of religion where I belong.

But really, nothing could be further from the truth.

The Gift is the Giver.

Healing is a Person. Freedom is a Person. Righteousness is a Person. So is Prosperity, Joy, Love, and Peace.

Everything we need and want and desire is in the Inexhaustible Person of Jesus.

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Ruined

"Ruin me," I desire to pray - which according to Craig Groeschel comes down to "our hearts needing to break for the things that break the heart of God."

But how can it be, when it's so easy for me to give it to someone else just like that?

And so instead of giving the full loaf for God to break, He ends up just getting the crumbs or what's left of it.

The amazing thing is He is accepts them anyway.

Now that is a good God.

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Hurdle

From the way I see it, perpetual loneliness seems sweeter by all means compared to the searing pain of losing someone.

But that is exactly what my problem is: what I see.

While I am called to a Life that is beyond what I could see, feel or even comprehend, I limit my reality to something just within my grasp.

Could it be that while I am inundated with all these questions on loving and losing those I love… could it be that while I could not love so perfectly, I on the other hand can receive a Love so perfect that will set me free?

…Set me free from my own fears and even more than that, set me free to love perfectly?

Lord Jesus, I choose to believe. Abba, I choose to receive.

Sweet Spirit that leads me into all truth, have your way in me.

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Flooded

If perfect love casts out all fear, then why are my fears the strongest when I love someone so deeply, almost so perfectly?

If you truly and fully love someone, how can you bear the pain when the day comes that each of you shall go your own separate ways?

Will I wake to a day when I will love without the fear of losing someone? Will I – acned, lanky and spiky hair and all – really wake to an actual day in the bounds of time without the gnawing fear of losing the people I deeply love?

And if this is not possible, could I live a life without loving at all?

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Desires

And so, the struggle continues.

How do you deal with a friendship that's threatening to become more than just that without ruining it?

In the past, my instinct is simply to run away and hide. Literally. It actually worked for a while, but then the cycle continues and thus my life is marked by broken relationships which start off as something really promising and beautiful but end up abruptly, really bad or a combination of the two.

It seems like I can't keep a purely non-sexual relationship with another guy without getting scared that somehow along the way, I will either fall for him or worse, get betrayed. And so I am caught up in between two opposing extremes: shut myself off from the world and live life alone and extremely lonely or plunge myself into a world of anonymous trysts.

I was always told that the "biblical" way was to flee. And I have done just that. But I realized that fleeing is not really the answer. I have placed so much emphasis on the fleeing part when in fact, the main action is not the running away from something but the pursuit of something altogether.

In other words, I could do an excellent job secluding myself from the world but still burn with lustful desires in my heart. So I realized that stopping the friendship won't solve the issue; dealing with my heart is.

I am reminded by CS Lewis' words which I actually posted earlier: "If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Easier said than actually done. A bitter pill to swallow even. But then, it's the truth.

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Struggle

It was one of the weirdest places to learn a really valuable lesson.

I was watching the Love of Siam and got so into it that I was caught in by surprise with its ending. I have to admit, I have seen so-called "gay-themed" movies before but I never saw anything quite like this.

Brokeback Mountain was a good one with all the awesome scenery, artful content and well, Heath Ledger. But it failed to touch me like this one did.

I think it's partly because I am going through a tough time now. You know, spending all these times with my new set of foreigner friends, it's hard not to fall for one of them - especially when he sends you SMS everyday and calls you after work just to know how your day went.

It's been a long time since I had someone actually do that to me, you know. And somehow, there's this part of me that wants to relish on it a bit - that feeling of being wanted and loved.

It's amazing how we got to know each others' lives amidst broken English and a whole lot of actions that there was hardly a day since we first met that I went home before 11pm. You see, when someone can barely speak English and he chooses to use words you don't normally use and hear, it's powerfully refreshing when you do.

But as usual, I had to face the truth. The truth that we can't be any more than friends even if it's not only me who wants something even more. The truth that though this feeling seem to be all that really matters as of now, it's not really.

In this time when at almost every turn I see same-sex couples cuddling to the secret disdain of a society that has never fully understood what it means to go through so much pain, confusion and loneliness in trying to figure out their true identity, I submit my desires to the One Person who has gone through so much Himself for His love for me.

So now when I feel so alone, so unloved, so unlovely even, I rest on the plain fact that Abba really loves me for me - with nothing else to offer but a heart that has gone tired of aimless wanderings.

And as for that special friend, just because he can't be a boyfriend, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. I know he does. And that is more than enough.

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Jesus

So really. Who decides on what is good or not?


Have you noticed that each one of us has his own definition of what is good or bad? That no matter how you belong to one church with a given set of beliefs you still disagree on the minute details? That much of the misery and disappointment in life roots back into the thought that God allowed bad things to happen and therefore He is not good after all?

Or an argument to that effect.

I used to think as I read "Do not judge" in the Scriptures that it only applies well, other people. We all hold that popular interpretation I guess. But now, I see it differently.

Usually we define good as something that brings happiness or pleasure. Or something that doesn't take us out of our comfort zones. Bad, on the other hand, are those that give us pain, causes our hearts to ache.

Evidently, we judge in our private lives. And with our judgements we wreck havoc to other peoples lives.

I think it is comforting to note that Bad is not an absolute negative equivalent of Good. It exists at the lack of good.

Only Goodness is Absolute. And that Absolute is Jesus.

Apart from him, all things fall out of order. But in Him, all things hold together.

Yes, even Christian Denominations at that.

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Faithful

I was in Bacolod last Friday so I decided to check out the youth meeting at Ikthus. Since I started being a part of the worship team here in Iloilo, I've met really amazing people. Amazing for two reasons: young as they are, they are really gifted with the instruments they use and two, their passion for God is challenging!

Little did I know that I was in for a surprise. After being met by Timi outside, she began to introduce me to a whole lot of people -some faces I already am familiar with.

Just before worship started, I was totally floored. The room was almost packed and I was left wondering, "Where in the world did they get so many kids?"

To top it all off, I was introduced by Timi to my nephews and one niece. I can't even remember what their names were, but I was thrilled.

You see, years and years back, I have this thing against my dad's family and relatives. I don't know. It's just not like the kind of relationship I share with my cousins in my mom's side. And seeing my own cousins from my dad's side doing all those stupid things when I was younger fueled my distaste.

Then out of nowhere, God began to work in my life in such a powerful way. He began to introduce Himself as Someone totally different from the box I placed Him in. My mom taught I was actually demon-possessed when my "quiet times" changed into something not really all that quiet. I would lock myself in my room, turn on a prayer CD by Lou Engle and pray. And in those times, I remember I cried out to God to spare our family from the "curse" running through the Muyco Clan.

You heard when people say that God always answer prayer? Don't believe them. God doesn't really answer our prayers.; He over answers them.

We ask for a loaf of bread, He throws a party. You ask for the skill to play the guitar, He makes you lead worship before hundreds. I asked for Him to protect our little family from the lures of the world, He moved into the lives of my cousins that their offspring - my nephews - will serve God in ways beyond what I could even comprehend.

It was a holy moment, I tell you.

It was sheer grace on His part that we were all there. And it will be grace that will keep us pressing on until we wake up to the day when we have lived out our destinies effortlessly.

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Twist

Alright sure, I didn't make it to the Passion Concert, but I certainly did learn a whole lot. First, is that travelling by Cebu Pacific to Manila will probably be a bad idea until they sort things out in their new terminal at the NAIA3. Thanks to them, I arrived Manila around 9pm and waited for a cab till maybe 10. I met my friend Arthur at MOA and simply decided to just grab something to eat rather than travel to Ultra and arrive there for the closing prayer.

The next day, we rushed to Fully Booked at the Fort where they have 20% off on almost all books. What an experience! I really felt so probinsyano beholding the four floors of books! I stayed there the whole morning until my stomach complained to my brain that "he (or is it 'it'?) too needs to feed on something."

I left around 4pm for my flight back. And this was the situation in the pre-departure area when I got there.

Passengers from all over were stranded for hours in this new terminal while some flights were even cancelled. I am not so sure if the situation is still like this now, but having been through such ordeal will make you think twice, thrice even, about riding through the same airline to Manila again.

Good thing though I have my "friends" with me. Just a few days before the Passion Concert I bought "The Shack" by William P. Young at Powerbooks Cebu. I finished the whole book while waiting for my flight to Manila and reread it while waiting for my plane back.

So as I came to think about it, the whole experience ain't bad at all. I went there with an expectation to meet God, and well, I did. The book transported me to a different place where I learn with tears, things I believe about God which were really myths.

I went home adding a few more books to this pile. I have finished some already, scanned several, and eyeing on one or two. I got Rabbi Jesus from Fully Booked. It revealed Jesus in a different angle you wouldn't normally see it readily in the Scriptures. Miracles and A Brief History of Time I got from a while back. Somewhere a Master and The Shack I bought together in Cebu while that book about Secret Germany, my boss lent me.

Nelson Mandela's autobiography I bought with Rabbi Jesus while the rest, from Uncle Tom's Cabin to Piercing the Darkness and Chaim Potok's Book of Lights, I got from BookSale.

I have a different pile like this on my table at work. And I haven't even read them all yet. But something tells me I am going to have a new one this week when I pass by National Bookstore or BookSale.

And oh, I thinking of getting an Amplified Bible. Let me know if this is already gluttony, though.

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Definitely Going

Two more weeks then I'll be off to Manila for the Passion World Tour. I'm just so excited to be a part of this. I know deep within me that I am a part of something greater.

A Plan. A Revival. An Awakening.

Whatever it is, I have to be a part of it.

I must say I ain't going coz it's the cool thing to do now. I am going coz I feel in my heart of hearts the Lord is orchestrating something in the Philippines that will impact eternity.

If you see me there dancing my two left feet and crying my heart out, don't be shy to say hi.

Grace and peace ya'll.

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Bleeding Love

Listening to the hit song by Leona Lewis "Bleeding Love," it makes me wonder what I'll bleed of when I'm cut open.

Love, like what it says in the song? I doubt.

What I want it to bleed though, is another thing. I want to bleed worship.

Love for God and of others I may not be able to do always. Unlike God's love for me that is unwavering, mine is shifty.

So I choose worship. And I wish to tap into Mark Batterson's definition of it and make it more personal.

Worship, for me, is simply bragging to God about God and bragging to others about God. Love I may not always do, but brag, I think I can manage.

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A Global Warning

It wasn't until recently that I understood the REAL effects of global warming. Thanks to Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth," I finally understood what harm it will personally cause me and the succeeding generations.

After watching the video, it got me thinking rather deeply on what I can do to help. It's as if I felt a bigger burden not only because I live in this planet, but because I am a Christian.

Sure, this world is passing away. And yes, we are certainly not of this world.

But hey we are still in it right? We have the same sun, same weather, same rain - practically same problems as with everyone else - believer and unbeliever alike. And while we acknowledge that the Earth is the Lord's and everything in it, isn't that enough reason to think twice before throwing that candy wrapper just anywhere?

And so, I resolved to do things no matter how insignificant to make this world a better place to live in. Here are a few of them:

1. Walk. I will choose to use my precious legs than ride a jeepney when travelling short distances. Somehow, I lessen the demands for more air pollutants when I choose to do so.

2. Recycle. Using the other clean side of the paper shall save more trees from being cut down definitely. Groceries like SM and bookstores like National Bookstore have initiated the use of "green and red bags." I shall use them instead of plastic. It's a bit weird for a guy to carry a bag with him, but this isn't about fashion anymore, isn't it?

3. Sleep. I usually sleep really late. Like way past midnight late. I believe sleeping early not only is good for my body, but I cut down the exponentially increasing demand for electricity as well.

4. Conserve. Turning off the faucet when not in use the simplest example, but often really hard to follow. Especially when we are that lazy to turn it on and off again and again until the dishes are thoroughly washed or my teeth are absolutely clean.

5. Lead. People perish for lack of knowledge. And apparently, it doesn't only apply on "spiritual" things. I made sure I passed my DVD around the office for everyone to be aware of what's really at stake. It may mean having it all beaten with scratches and dents in the long run, but it's a small price to pay for making sure my great grandchildren will still have a livable environment to enjoy when I am long gone. (Of course, assuming the Lord won't come anytime soon. )

Now, how can YOU help?

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Jaunts

Just got back from a quick trip to Ormoc City. It was my first time there and it was fun. It was a full day of more templates and reports to finish but I didn't complain. Sabin Beach Resort, the place where we spent two nights, was such a comfy place to stay. I guess what made all the difference was being close to nature. That, or the thought of having a quick dip in the pool after a stressful day at the sight of a magnificent sunset... and actually doing it.

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Chasing the Lion

When I first landed on Jen's blog, what caught my attention was her Lion Chaser Manifesto. After further following the link she gave to Evotional, I was hooked.

Since I can't get my hands on the book, (the downside of living in an obsure island with only one decent bookstore) I was practically scavenging for anything I could get in the web about "Lion Chasing."

Then I found this other site which contains free audio and video sermons as well as movies on the same topic. I was more than thrilled.

So, move over Mediocrity.

Here comes the Lion Chaser.

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The Good News

It was two months ago when I had my last test on the level of SGPT in my blood. Now, I am back in the clinic to have a final one – hopeful that somehow, what skyrocketed into a 4000 something and went down to a still-high 600, will now be within the normal range of 0 to 36.

While waiting for the results, a mother holding her 1 month old baby boy entered the clinic. The baby looked healthy, but I knew looks could be deceiving. When the mother handed over several sheets of paper to the receptionist, I knew certain tests will be done.

After being told of how much it will cost them, the mother agreed. I imagined she found it expensive but agreed anyways. “All for love for her son,” I thought.

When the medical technologist came out to have a look at the baby, that’s when I noticed that something was terribly wrong. Here I was, Blood-bought, Spirit-empowered, and I was doing nothing. I was feeling nothing.

And so I asked the Lord what was I to do? Go over there and lay my hands on the child?

What will my doctor think? I sure prayed for a miracle when I was bedridden three months ago with Hepatitis A, but didn’t receive any.

What will the mother say? My mere presence in the clinic means I need the doctor’s help myself.

I had these thoughts racing their way in my mind when I asked God a simple petition: let me see what’s going on through your Eyes.

And that was enough. Before I knew it, tears came. I was successful to somehow control it so what was supposed to be a torrent of emotion became a drizzle of controlled compassion.

My heart ached at the thought of me not doing anything. It broke altogether knowing that cowards like me populate the pews as well.

I have never heard God speak ever so clearly than that time. “They need to hear the Good News, James.”

The Good News. Not a preaching on hell’s fire. Not a sermonette of do’s and don’ts.

Just the simple unadulterated fact that the sick can get their healing – the blind their sight, the deaf their hearing, the mute their voice… that the prisoners can acquire their freedom – the demonized, the addict, the harlot, the homosexual their deliverance… that, most of all, forgiveness is available for every sinner here and now.

Simply put, a clean slate.

It’s funny because all I could muster was a faint smile to somehow show the worried mother that everything will be all right with her son. And though a bit too late, a prayer now as well, that besides healing for the baby, she will come to know the God who came to die that she may have life to the full – her family included.

Ah, I learned a lot in that short time of waiting for my results. What happened could just as well be an answer to a commitment I made earlier to God – to pursue big dreams this year… dreams that are set to fail if God doesn’t show up. Why include Him in the picture if I could do it all alone in the first place?

Going back to my result, my SGPT is now at 31. What usually takes 6 months to fully recover; I got mine in less than a half of that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I’ve got Goliaths to slay.

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