Confessions

A couple of weeks ago, a guy emailed me in my Friendster account and asked me if I was Jap. I told him I’m not, but in fluent Japanese.

That conversation, which started as a one liner, is now an exchange of at least 10KB email.

I thank God for the guy’s guts to write me that quick note. If it wasn’t for that, I still would probably be in the mire I was in, besmirching the name I am supposed to keep holy.

All these times I have been keeping a part of me to myself. I say I love God and want his purposes over my life but when it comes to this part, I can hardly let go. Or if I ever have the courage to do so, I only sink back into the quicksand of that sinful lifestyle.

I never expected my dialogue with this online buddy of mine could go beyond flirtations and playful banter. After that email I sent telling him I wasn’t Jap, he replied a strange one.

He went on to tell me how he came across my profile, and after giving it much thought, logically deduced that I was bisexual. And it doesn’t end there. He even bluntly told me he found me likeable.

What happened next was rather surprising. This guy called all the way from Germany to ask his friend here in Manila (who is also my friend in Friendster) what my digits were. They talked and from that common friend, learned that I am a Christian.

Later in his emails, he asked me if I was indeed. I told him I am. And to my surprise, he confessed he is, too.

What surprised me more is the fact that he isn’t the first guy I know who is a Christian and yet has issues with homosexuality.

I have been dealing with it myself for as long as I can remember. I have been keeping it from people and have learned the art of masquerading it with intense piety.

I was thinking, if only I will be do my duties and obligations as a Christian, then I will not think these thoughts anymore. There was a time I almost lived in church. You can see me attend Friday revival meetings, both the Sunday services, youth meetings, city-wide prayer rallies. Everything.

And yet here I was.

When it troubled me more and more, I decided to tell someone in leadership about it. Of course, the condition was to keep it secret. Needless to say, it is embarrassing.

Yet also before long, the one I consider a leader was also the one who betrayed me by telling almost everyone about my struggle – which totally changed the way they treat me. I wasn’t engaged in the lifestyle then. But as I looked in their eyes I saw how much they loathed me.

I rebelled. I began to hate everything related to church and God thinking that if God really exists, then why do the very people who proclaim His Word and profess to be close to Him, could do such a betrayal. It was the most selfish and most arrogant act I saw a leader, and a pastor at that, do.

I soaked myself in a lifestyle I never thought existed. And yet amidst the hedonistic pursuits, I was empty. My life was miserable.

An unbeliever was actually better off compared to me. At least, they don’t know any better. If they be on their way to the flames, at least, they are enjoying the trip.

I, on the other hand, was lamentable. I was doing the very things I detest deep inside. Not only did I hate others, I despised myself.

And then a light struck the darkness. I met John. He heads a ministry in Manila called Bagong Pag-asa, a beacon of light to those who are hurting. Then I met more people who were honest enough to tell me their struggles and with a tinge of shame in their eyes, admit they were Christians as well.

Then one day, juggling a relationship with the same sex and my relationship with God, I just collapsed. Figuratively collapsed before Him and wept as I saw the holes in His feet.

Ah, the wonder of repentance. I felt like a child again!

A few days after, came the breakup. I admit to have cried a river of tears. But like I said, it was nothing. Nothing compared to the glory that will yet to be revealed.

I know that the battle will not be easy. But like Joshua, I strengthen myself and take courage knowing that the victory is mine through Christ.

Thanks to you Pao for reminding me of who I really am in Christ. You are instrumental to all these.

Thanks to you Tiks for your eccentricity. Your friendship is deeply appreciated and cherished. Let’s win for the Lamb the rewards of His sufferings!

Thanks to you John for caring enough though you barely knew me. To whom the Son sets free, is free indeed!

Thanks to you AJ for your incredible honesty. You have made me a better person in the process. I will be your friend forever!

Thanks to both of you Jam and Tin2. You gals are the best! Coming home to Bacolod is always a delight because of you both.

Thanks to you who have read this far. May Christ become more real to you because of this testimony.

And above all, thanks to you Jesus, my Redeemer who is always Faithful and True. Thank you for letting mercy triumph over judgement. Thank you for never giving up on a brat like me. To you be all the honor, power, glory and worship forever and ever!

Amen and amen!!